Confused

I’ve been in a daze for the last couple of weeks.

A couple years ago I lost touch with a girl from work that was a good friend of mine. We were very much alike, and we sort of took turns with our depressions and anxieties, if that’s what they really were, and we would cheer each other up. Plus I liked her a lot because she was exceptionally smart, and she was analytical and logical like I am. That’s relatively rare in a woman, the story goes, because their brains develop with strengths in other areas. From what I’ve seen, I think that’s true, so I thought I was real lucky to be friends with her. I was lucky. And plus even further, I liked her…y’know, that way too, because she was a woman and therefore special and wonderful. Well, they are.

So when the emails and phone calls stopped without a word, first I was afraid her husband had seen an email that he shouldn’t have seen, or something like that. Because, once I’d realized that she wouldn’t ever be coming near here on vacation or anything, because her husband would never choose this area to vacation, and I knew I wasn’t going to be back there for any length of time, and never with any free time to do anything bad…I had started flirting some, in both phone calls and email, to make us both feel better. God knows we were both bored lifeless by our daily routines, and by our respective long-term relationships having faded into background noise. I was absolutely sure nothing would happen between us, and I certainly hoped not, so I went and opened that Pandora’s box.

So I thought maybe he told her to break off contact or something, and I couldn’t even come up with a better story than that because I just had no clue. And whatever was going on I knew it was none of my business, so I resolved immediately to respect her silence and wait for as long as it took until I heard from her again.

Well…that’s not going to happen. She’s dead.

I spoke to someone back where we used to work, and in circumstances that don’t seem to add up, in a story that leaves a lot of unanswered questions…she and her husband are both gone. Two years ago. All this time I at least thought she was out there, and still in my future somewhere. And now, with so much about this tragedy still unknown, and unknowable, the story is over. End of chapter.

So I’m left with confusion, emptiness, a dashed picture of the future, questions galore, what might have been, and one less friend. All that stuff that we all feel at times like this…you can imagine. Y’know, I can get used to the idea that this stuff happens, people will die and leave your life at some random point, that’s life, but it’s a loss that you can’t make up for, in my opinion. You invest in your friends and you expect to get something back; you’ve spent time and shared experiences and learned about each other, and you get back the comfort of knowing they’re there, that they care about you, that they will continue to share life with you. Seems like your best friends ever are the ones from high school, who shared the most meaningful times with you. As you get older it’s less possible to create as deep a bond.

And that brings me to the strange-but-true part of this that I’m still not sure about even mentioning, but I’ve lead right up to it, so: no one could say for sure what day they died, so I went back to my unanswered emails to her to see when she stopped writing, and you might guess it was maybe in the next week or so that she was gone? Well, 8 days after my last email is the day my best friend from high school ended his life. Just a coincidence? Of course it is. Does it mean something? Of course not, they aren’t connected. Do I still look for meaning in two friends dying in the same week, maybe on the same day? You bet I do. That’s something we do…look for meaning, look for answers. Because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to process all this. It hurts, and   it just hurts. I was counting on them both being around. Between the two of them I had a soulmate, with a little left over. When I pictured my old and grey retirement years, they were both there. Maybe not right down the street, but always in touch, and always scheduled for at least an annual visit. 

Ahh, well. So I’ve been in a daze; I never know what I went upstairs for, so I come down and have to go up again when I remember. My thoughts are always elsewhere. My comfortable plans for the future are gone and I’m constantly agitated and haunted by the uncertainty and the bleak picture I have instead. Too many questions.

What do I do now?

About work

I’m not perfect, and even if I was you’d find something wrong with me.

Because it’s the human condition to eventually designate something as the intolerable problem. That’s the ‘job complaint syndrome’, also; no matter what job you have you eventually settle on something as the biggest aggravation, and that’s your complaint. You find the squeaky wheel in whatever your situation. So there’s always something to complain about, and the same thing happens in a relationship. It’s just *not* human nature to say that everything’s OK, and leave it at that. That’s uncomfortable.

And it's an odd thing is how trivial some of the work problems can be, especially in hindsight, but they are major triggers at the time nonetheless. Compare these two examples from my experience…

When I worked on banking software if our system went down in a live bank production environment, and I was on call, most of our management would be aware of the problem immmediately through a series of phone calls, and the bank executives would mostly all be aware they had trouble, and their on-call staff would be heading in to work in the middle of the night…all waiting to hear what I found and how I fixed it. On the other hand, as a dishwasher, if one more person had the French onion soup tonight I’m going through the roof! Y’know?

Just depends on where you are.

Another thing about jobs is the Repeat Cycle. How long does it take before you’ve done everything once, and now you’re on repeat? A job like dishwashing, you get the basics in 15-20 minutes, and at the end of the night you get the one-time, end-of-the-night tasks, and that’s it. On a construction job you’ve got all the phases of house construction to go through, and that takes months anyway, and not every house is the same, so you could easily go a year before you really feel like you’ve seen everything once. It could be a few years before it feels repetitive. Then, something like programming on software that costs over $1M *never* got repetitive because of the size and complexity of what we worked on. Always a new twist, whether creating or maintaining code. Probably any job where you have “clients” will never repeat…but that’s good. Those are the jobs you can stay with.

I should acknowledge that while building houses is largely repetitive, there are clients to keep you hopping, and technology and materials evolve constantly so you’re always learning. No offense.

Speaking of Egypt

With Egypt in the news, with Egyptians demonstrating/rioting for a better life through regime change, I wanted to tell this story…

A couple years ago I had a short conversation with a man who had moved to the US from Egypt. Something in the news back then, I don’t remember what, prompted him to explain to me what he came here for; I remember I was thrilled that I was actually going to hear, face-to-face, what the US represents to an émigré.

He said it’s not about all the material goods, the wealth, and not really about the opportunities you have to follow dreams and fulfill yourself, although all that is certainly wonderful. It’s more basic than that, and something we might take for granted: respect. Every life here is respected, by law. The police will not arrest you without cause. If you are wronged by someone, or by a company, you can bring suit in a court of law. You always have recourse. You matter; you count. In Egypt, he said, the police can pick you up off the street in the morning, question you and beat you all day, and then dump you back on the street at the end of the day, all for no reason…and there’s nothing you can do about it. Without explanation! Imagine!? You are powerless, and you have to accept it. Day after day, year after soul-crushing year, it’s your way of life.

But not here. Here, you have value, you have your self-respect. Your dignity is assured, and that’s a powerful draw for the rest of the world. Some of the things we complain about within the context of our lives can look awfully petty and whiney to people from other countries. That’s just human nature: no matter what you’re doing or where, you will become aware of the aggravations that come with the situation. But it was nice to hear this man’s larger perspective on things, to

a) be reminded of just how good we have it, and

b) view the current struggles in Egypt with greater understanding.

Online comments

I like to spend time on  the Internet reading, following links almost at random, jumping from one subject to another and another. What I find as a maddening constant throughout is the quality and the tone of the comments.

There doesn’t seem to be any interest in civil interaction. Or worse, it doesn’t even appear to be an option. Nearly everything I see out there, at a common site like YouTube for instance which draws heavily from the 30-and-unders from around the world, is an insult about either someone’s looks intelligence, or lifestyle. And it’s not dismissable with, “Oh, kids can be insensitive.” This is firmly rooted in the culture of the next generation. Everywhere, all the time.

Take, for instance, this comment I always remember…someone had posted a thought that was obviously based on a misunderstanding, and there were 4 or 5 comments after it that had just ignored it, but then came the comment, “I can’t believe nobody’s buried this guy. Don’t you see what he said?” Like that’s what we’re supposed to do. We’re missing an opportunity! We weren’t following the rules, and this poor guy wants to know, “Am I missing something?” Yeah, you are.

Or this one…I don’t remember which actress was mentioned in the article (plus I wouldn’t say anyway) but the comment was, “When is she going to get a boob job? What’s she waiting for?” Again, the assumption: like that’s what she’s supposed to do. Like everyone should, or will. Like he’s insulted that she hasn’t, because he thinks those are the rules, and how dare she not follow along. As if we’re owed that. And the arrogance of the constant clinical discussion of women in that manner is disgusting, and so very wrong. Sad.

That’s the common persona, people looking for any “wrongdoing” in order to blast and dismiss the offender, based on such superficialities.  Comment sections are combat zones. They should be communal, like sitting around the campfire. They’re places to discuss ideas with your peers from around the world. What an opportunity…in my dreams. Sure, some good stuff goes on, but not a lot. With everybody hiding behind an alias, they’re free to act any way they want to, and you know what happens then…people don’t exactly give their best.

What a waste.

 

The civilization formula

 

I’m going to start with a little auto racing talk, but don’t worry, it comes right back around to real life.

The top racing series in the world is Formula One. Most people have heard of it. Or maybe you’ve heard of Formula Ford, a very popular and somewhat affordable starter class for the same kind of roadracing. Or you’ve certainly heard of NASCAR, the extremely popular oval track (and a couple road courses) series for “stock cars.” NASCAR is also a formula car, although it didn’t start out that way, and is not usually referred to as such. So…what’s the deal? Well, in the context of auto racing, a “formula” is a set of rules established by the organizers of the series which define all the specifications, and set all the parameters, to which the cars will be built. These are very much purpose-built cars, defined and created out of thin air, usually with an eye toward attracting factory (major auto makers) participation by giving them an arena in which to showcase their products and/or technology.

I love the parallels between that and a society, a civilization…because one way to define a civilization is that we are a group of people who function by agreeing to and operating under a set of rules. Some are codified in written law, some are accepted moral standards, some just implicit in our group understanding of acceptable conduct, but taken all together, they make up Formula Human. That’s how we all manage to coexist; the rules are clearly defined, we’re all aware of them, and we’re all aware that they are enforced. We don’t have to worry that our land will be stolen from us, or our house will, or our business, or that the angry guy at work keeps a butcher knife in one hand all the time…we operate at a higher level than that; we’re civilized.

Of course, other civilizations have evolved differently in various parts of the world. They still operate under a set of rules, just not the same ones we have. Maybe Formula Human is the name of the umbrella organization, and the individual societies are named Formula UK, Formula USA, etc. Same deal, different country.

To say that one is civilized or not refers to one’s ability to adhere to the laws and rules we’ve agreed upon…the formula. That’s the key to how we live. The formula gives us the framework for our lives. It gives us the structure to live closely with one another, the freedom to live as we choose, and the security we need to enjoy it all.

Through the ages we’ve defined and refined the laws we live by, while at the same time the formula has always defined us.

Formula Human.

Perspective…on perception

Reality comes to us courtesy of our five senses, and from the way our brains process the incoming stream of data. Our senses each receive observable data in a particular range of values according to the abilities and sensitivities of our human sense organs. We can see, hear, touch, smell, taste…we know what’s going on around us.

Let’s put that into perspective.

The key phrase in that opening: human sense organs. Turns out, because of our particular set of sensory organs, we humans have a unique reality. No animals on the planet are experiencing what we experience. Dogs, as we all know, can hear the high pitch of a certain whistle that is used to call them, and we can’t hear it. They also have a sense of smell that is hundreds of times better than ours. There is a hovering bird-of-prey that can take up a position over a field, hang motionless while looking down, and see only what moves…like for instance a mouse. When it looks at a fixed scene the stationary objects and background fade away to grey, and only movement is detected. Further examples abound…point being, there’s nothing superior or special about our senses; what we have are the ones that serve the survival of our species, just as it is with animals.

 

Another way to look at our perception can be seen here in the chart of the electromagnetic spectrum. Note that the color bar representing our visual range is a breakout of that little sliver between ultraviolet and infrared. Out of that  whole range of energies/wavelengths, we’re equipped to see only a tiny little bit. It makes our capabilities look so random-ish and insignificant, and by extension so do we find that our  perception of reality is nothing special. Maybe we don’t, so much, know what’s going on around us; there’s more to it than meets the eye!

And with all that, I think, larger points can be made:

   In the grand scheme of all the species on earth, and the millions of years we’ve all been here, we normally exaggerate how special and important we are.

   There are things happening around us all the time that are beyond the range of our senses.

From that perspective, that there’s always more than meets the eye, it is easier to think broadly and stay open to possibilities…to think outside the box.

Perspective…on driving fast

perspective:  the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship

If there is one concept to keep in mind to help make sense of the daily grind, it is perspective. It has a few meanings, most concerned with art and perception, but the useful one here is largely a synonym for point-of-view. Referring back to my initial posts, “we’re all in this together but we’re all on our own,” to get along together in the first part it helps to keep in mind the different perspectives we all have in the second part.

For instance…let’s talk about the issue of “driving too fast.” We should start by defining the term: not mental fast, or as fast as you can go, but 10-15 miles over the posted limit, which is a speed that statistically a great many people (though still a minority) are comfortable at, including me. I think it’s perfectly fine to go 75-80mph, that it’s not dangerous, and that speed limits are too low. Most people think otherwise. We have different perspectives.

In fact, the issue here is our perspectives. The meaning of “driving too fast” is the hidden problem, because both sides assume that their definition is the topic at hand.  It’s not, and it hit me like a ton of bricks when I suddenly realized… I borrowed a friend’s car a few years ago, a new luxury-type car from one of the Big Three (Ford,GM,Chrysler), and I thought, “OMG, I wouldn’t go over 65 in this thing, either.” It plowed in the turns, the brakes were mushy, the suspension too soft, etc., and I was shocked at how bad I thought it was. Meanwhile, being an “enthusiast,” a winning road-racer, an extremely focussed and attentive driver, I have always driven performance cars. For 25 years, every car I’ve had is further from its limits and more in control at 80mph than the average car at 65mph. You look at the two sides of the argument…(for the most part) we don’t drive the same cars! It makes the discussion of driving too fast an “apples-n-oranges” deal. If you say you would never drive 80mph, well, neither would I, if I was you. And I’ll bet if you drove my car for a day, you’d see the rationale in my (wait for it) perspective.

Perspective is everything

This is an awfully clean and tidy example, but still useful as a reference model for any discussion or argument. We might be using the same phrases when we talk, but they don’t necessarily mean the same thing. Depends a lot on our respective experiences, on how and where we learned something. It doesn’t hurt to ask a few questions up front to help ensure we’re all on the same page. I know now the few speed limit discussions I’ve had were just a waste of time. 



Enjoy the impressive dioramas of '50s and '60s America by Michael Paul Smith, seen here in one of his settings.  

Who’s in Charge?

Sometimes in a relationship there’s an issue about who is in charge, about one person telling the other what to do, how to look, even how to act. It can be a struggle for control, if the personalities don’t mix right. It can also look to outsiders as if one person is strong and in charge and the other is weak.

In a related statement, which will make sense further down: I have always felt that I could love and marry almost any girl I’ve ever met…which is probably why I’m an inveterate flirt. I just love them all.

The common thread here is that people draw the line for themselves as far as what things to stand up for, and what things matter so little that they let their partner have the decision. If there’s something not right about what I’m wearing, I’ll change it; couldn’t care less one way or the other. Want to go to this restaurant, and never that one? OK. Doesn’t matter. I let anything peripheral like that just unfold any old way. What does matter is what kind of person you’re with, and the people I’ve known pretty much have it right. We don’t differ where it matters. I don’t tolerate lying, or selfishness, or being inconsiderate, or arrogance…it’s the core stuff, what’s inside that counts, and if that’s all good then the rest is just window dressing. If I want to spend a night out with the girl I love, and if I happen to be doing that, then it doesn’t matter where, how, what…The details can fall where they may, I figure if we’re together then the important part has been taken care of. Everything I care about has been taken care of.

I’m sure there have been bystanders through the years who thought I was being bossed around, but they didn’t know what they were seeing. They naturally interpret interaction based on their own experiences, and most people would be at a loss to interpret the way we played around. Upon overhearing a conversation, you can only imagine your own motives as the reasoning behind what you hear; you aren’t likely to guess the actual thoughts. 

So, in establishing the dynamics of the relationship it’s just a matter of choosing your battles, drawing the line where your comfortable, and applying your personal perspective on what’s important to you. It’s a very individual choice, and it's just between the two of you. Don’t waste time worrying about what anyone else thinks.

Piece of pie

A quick tip to use when facing temptation, like that (extra) piece of apple pie with ice cream that’s being offered with holiday dinner…if you can’t decide whether to have it or not, pretend it’s tomorrow morning and you’re looking back at yourself to see what you did. What will you wish you had decided? Usually, I wish I’d said “no,” which is why I’m having trouble making the decision. I might still make the so-called wrong choice, but it feels like an actual decision, from a better perspective than just “mmm-treat!” vs “waah, no-treat-for-me.”  It becomes an intellectual choice rather than an emotional one when you remove yourself from the immediacy of pie on the table in front of you.

It works for all kinds of decisions, not just dessert. And sometimes, it even helps me make that right choice.

Sex...and sharing

I’ll be honest…this is about me, and a realization I had to reach before I was comfortable enjoying sex.

The customary point of view of the male and female roles in sex is that the male is always trying to get something from the female, and the female says no a lot to protect her dignity and reputation and whatever. We have an entire culture built on the fact that men want sex and women don’t. There are thousands of bad jokes and hundreds of movie and television scenes that trade on these stereotypes, and growing up this was naturally my starting point for trying to understand the whole sexual interaction mystery. I remember a female comic saying that afterwards men want to sneak away like they just stole something, and she seemed to be correct from what I could gather. That was the only attitude on exhibit, the “I got some” victory cry. I wanted to have sex, and some girls were interested, but I let some opportunities get away because I didn’t understand how it all worked. I was scared of the whole thing because, seriously, I didn’t know how to act the next day. I didn’t know what it meant to a relationship, and I didn’t want to make a fool of myself. I would feel like I took something, and I didn’t know what to say or do about that. How do you get from “men always want it,” which is greedy and bad, and “women don’t want it” and have to protect themselves, to all the scenes in the movies where the man and woman are in bed together cuddling and smiling together and looking so wonderful? There’s a huge blank between those two snapshots, and what could possibly be in that space between that ties them together? What’s wrong with this picture?

Took me a couple years, but here’s the Big Truth of the situation, and this may help either guys or girls to better understand each other.

It’s difficult for men to discover this (well, it was for me), given our culture and the attitudes we see and hear daily, but…the healthy approach to sex is as “something two people share, as equals.” That’s it. There’s no “taking” or “getting from,” there’s just giving on both sides, and sharing. Turns out that naturally (obviously) women like sex just as much as men, so we are equal partners in it. We should enjoy it equally. If your partner doesn’t have that attitude, maybe it’s a good idea to bring it up as a positive change for the relationship, if it sounds right for you. Works for me.

First marriages

The divorce rate is high. There are lots of single moms, divorced or not. Second marriages are common; they at least seem to be better marriages and last longer,  based as they are on greater maturity. No, I won’t be looking up statistics…I have merely an observation: A great many first marriage failures are the result of some basic human nature, and there’s no reason to think “we should fix it,” which is the knee-jerk reaction to almost everything. This is just the way it is.

Young women mature faster, emotionally and sexually. We’ve all heard that, and it appears to be true. They’re in charge from an early age, and they know what they’re doing, and they’re good at it. They manage to keep teenage boys in line, for the most part. Tough job. But being in some control, being in a position to get what they want, by their late-teens they begin to shape their lives according to their own agenda. For the great many who want to start a family, or are just ready to have a baby, they can do that. They feel ready, it’s what they want to do, they choose the guy they want…and they can do that.

What about the guys at that age? For purposes of this discussion, let’s separate guys into two personality types. #1, the popular guy, has a car, maybe a fast car, probably on the high school football team, part of the social group at the center of local partying, openly chasing girls and not thinking about much else. Just wants to nail as many as possible. That guy.

As opposed to #2, a more serious type, mostly in the social background, maybe has one girlfriend in high school, worries about his future, tentative around girls because he’s not sure what it all means and he wants to know before he gets sexually involved, because he doesn’t want to be just another guy who takes advantage of and hurts girls.

Which one does the young woman want at this point in her life? The first one: the bad boy, the dangerous one, the one who so clearly wants her and makes her feel desirable. The one who, unbeknownst to her, thinks of her and treats her like an object, a conquest. She doesn’t know that much about guys yet, so he looks like the real thing. He might marry her, especially if there’s a baby involved, but he’ll think nothing of moving on in a few years.

Meanwhile, boy #2 has matured and come to terms with women and sexuality, thinks of them as precious and beautiful, treats them with respect, and makes the new divorcee feel desirable again. He offers a stable life and love, and he becomes the second husband. Second marriages have realistic expectations, and in my experience they last longer. Two people of similar maturity and understanding have the best chance to make a lasting commitment to each other.

About marriage

Here’s a pithy saying that I love…

No matter how good-looking she is, somebody is sick and tired of putting up with her bullshit.

Which means you’d better not base your relationship on looks, because no matter where you start it’s all about compatibility in the end. In spite of what many people seem to believe, marriage isn’t some kind of contest to see who marries the best-looking mate. It’s about who’s smart enough to marry their best friend; a best friend that they’ve allowed themselves to fall in love with. And then you go from there, because being in love gets deeper after you’re married, if you’re any good at it.

And that involves mostly trust. If you both believe your vows, if you mean it, then you feel safe enough to share of yourself on a day-to-day basis. To be open and unhesitating in what you think and say. When two people do that, and learn each other and get comfortable, that’s how a thousand tiny connections are made between the two of you over the years. That’s the unspoken thing you see sometimes in a close couple, the quick glance or the sly smile between them.

I know there are all kinds of successful relationships, or I suppose there are, but one thing I believe in is doing everything together, or reasonably so. Obviously, why wouldn’t I want to spend all my time with my best friend? I have since childhood, whoever it was at the time…seems like a good habit. This seems to be a touchy subject with some, who feel that there are rules about this among principled people. That ‘normal’ independent people would need to have their own life. Go ahead, follow somebody’s rules, live up to the expectations. I’ll just do what I like.

One thing you cannot do is lie to each other, because that’s breaking trust on a grand scale. If that happens, it’s not a marriage anymore; it’s just a stupid game. You’ll never say anything without double-checking it in your mind first. You force yourself to be vague and evasive. When you start to worry about spending time together, about what might come up in conversation, you certainly aren’t sharing your lives anymore. It’s a cancer that spreads fast, and touches everything in the relationship. How could you ever relax with pending lies circling overhead?

Mark Twain covered that, and he gets the last word:

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Power

With all the election coverage, one of my pet peeves has been coming at me from all sides; the ubiquitous description of nearly every politician as ‘powerful.’

The problem stems from the fact that it only works in one direction. In a discussion of someone being promoted or elected to a certain position, with an explanation of the scope of responsibilities, it makes sense to conclude in context that this is now a ‘powerful’ person, because ‘power’ has been defined; the power to make certain decisions within that organization. That much makes sense. However, a standalone description of that person as ‘powerful,’ without context, implies so much more than in the first case because ‘power’ retains all of its meanings. In a sense, A=B, but B not=A. The word ‘power’ is defined in the first case, but not in the second.

So the standalone is not a good description because it has connotations way beyond what is intended. So-and-so is a ‘powerful’ person…a mystical, magical power? A sorceror or wizard, with a magic wand? A giant, perhaps, like Samson himself, thundering through the hallways on the way to a conference room? Or maybe just someone in a position of power and responsibility? It’s a little vague, alright, but the media toss it around like confetti.

In the office setting, there’s a different take on power and position.

The common parlance refers to ‘superiors,’ and these people are considered and treated as if they are somehow superior. Actually, they are supervisors. They merely occupy a position of greater responsibility than others; no reason to bring a value judgment into the picture.

There is a business axiom that says, “The most important job is the one that isn’t done right.”

Any government or business is ideally a group of people working together toward the same end, and in that light they are all equally important… but have different responsibilities. The idea of ‘superiors’ within the group introduces psychological and interpersonal issues that can only harm the effort. A more positive and cooperative model is to say all employees are on the same team, with a division of labor that requires some to supervise the efforts of others.

One for all…

There are certainly many ways by which to describe someone’s personality. There are many, many facets to each of us, each one of them a potential yardstick. Here is one that came to me along the way, that I think of as useful on myself as well as others. It’s a good way to measure, or choose, one’s own “personal philosophy,” meaning in this case, “What kind of person am I?” or “What kind of person do I want to be?”

It’s based on these two statements, both of which are true.

1. We are all on our own.

2. We are all in this together.

Somehow, these two thoughts have to co-exist, and how you choose to manage that says a lot about who you are.

At any given moment you are either acting in your own interests (on our own), or for the benefit of more than just yourself (in this together). The balance you find between the two reveals some basic truths about your personality.

-----------1----------------444444555555666666---------------9-----------

Let’s say this line represents everything you face in life; every encounter, every task, every decision, every action. How do you react? Always for yourself? Half the time for yourself, the other half for the group? Your position on the line is determined by how you react to the Life that you face. When you do something, even when you say something, your approach to it will come from either the ”on our own” part of you (Zero on the line), or from the “in this together” part (100 on the line). If you are a very giving, group-oriented person, a helping, altruistic sort, you would find yourself near the “1” on the line, which means that maybe 10% of the time you act with only yourself in mind, with unusual emphasis on others. (Sure, it’s necessary to be selfish some of the time; this is just to make a general point, not to argue actual percentages.)

On the other end, if you act almost exclusively with just yourself in mind, with little regard for others, you might find your balance between the two sides at about “9”.

Most of us fall somewhere in the middle, in the 4-5-6 range, and anywhere in there, or somewhere in there, is normal. At the extremes, you have a personality trait that is readily observed; you might be selfish, or you might be selfless to a fault, not thinking of yourself enough.

Realizing where you fit on that line can be a helpful insight. It tells you if you are the person you think you are, or if you’re falling short of that.

Am I selfish? Too selfish? What is too selfish? It also applies to others, by judging where they fit on the line, and it can be used to explain behavior, if a “1” or a “9” makes an unexpected choice.

There are these two pieces of the trait of “largess,” shall we say, and they are mutually exclusive, (for purposes of this discussion, for argument’s sake, to make the broader point)…(sure, there may be examples when both are applicable, Life always has some fuzzy gray on the edges of description, but by and large) and with every choice and every action you’re standing on one side or the other. There’s no raging battle between the two, it’s no classic struggle, but it’s a useful way to look at yourself and others to help understand a part of who this person is.

Introduction

As it happens, I am wired in such a way that I am constantly examining life, sometimes in great detail, to a degree that most people see as compulsive. Just happens to be who I am; I actually find it no effort or issue at all. But I’ve come to understand that I may have an unusual perspective, and as such I thought I would write down my observations. Maybe some of it will be useful to others.

This blog is built solidly on the foundation of this quote from Socrates, ”The life which is unexamined is not worth living.” I’m a big believer.

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So that's post #1.

Or that's what I settled on. I spent some time trying to guess where this blog is headed, to introduce it accurately, but that's not possible to know yet. And no sense making claims that I would try to stick to in the future. So I abandoned my first draft as too specific...not to mention wordy and maybe a little pompous, because after all, to commit to writing about yourself implies a high opinion of yourself that's necessary in order to this. That makes me uncomfortable, at least for now, but blogging is an accepted part of life and everybody seems to be fine with that part of it. So here I am; I wanna play, too.

Just for the heck of it, and since I don't want to just delete it, here is NOT post #1, the original version that didn't make the cut. What the heck, it's still a valid way to introduce myself.

Not post #1:

                                  Here’s The Plan

My purpose here, my raison d’etre, is to present and discuss observations and  truths about life that I find interesting or instructive. Not out of a belief that my thoughts are special, but, knowing that I’m wired to examine so much in so much detail, with the possibility of introducing a thought or perspective that would not have grown out of your experience. And I hope to be enriched by you as well, by equally foreign-sounding thoughts, if I’m lucky enough to engage readers to the point of feedback.

I feel I have observed much, and I’ve come to many conclusions about what is and what should be. You will find that I’m very sure of my conclusions. But that’s good, right?

I welcome any and all reactions, rebuttals, perspectives, etc. What are your thoughts and observations? What truths do you see? I can’t get it right every time, can I? Humble me, enlighten me, maybe together we’ll learn something new.

About this “examining life” business; there are 2 connected quotes that apply here, and I come down squarely on the side of the first, which is, ”The life which is unexamined is not worth living,” from Socrates. That’s the foundation of this endeavor, right there. (Why, the very foundation!) I interpret that to endorse examination of all of life; not just my own, but mine and any others I can observe or discuss. There’s something to be learned from just about everyone, and with that learning comes tolerance, patience, increased empathy…i.e. growth, all good. To walk a thin path with blinders on is to miss the mountains and valleys; get off the path and climb some trees, jump in the lake, make a mess, have some fun…sounds like a plan!

The other quote, which I don’t attribute because it’s an obvious inversion waiting to happen, is: ”The unlived life is not worth examining.” This to mean, since you’re living a different life than mine, conducting yourself in a different way, your story does not influence mine. I don’t see the value in understanding you so deeply. Eyes straight ahead, it says, don’t get distracted. From what? I don’t know. We shall agree on the foolishness of that approach.  8-D

Done.

I will talk about anything and everything; it’s all ‘capital L’ Life. With any luck, the more pieces that are examined and wrapped in some understanding, the better off we’ll all be.

Welcome, thanks for coming.

The table is set…