First marriages

The divorce rate is high. There are lots of single moms, divorced or not. Second marriages are common; they at least seem to be better marriages and last longer,  based as they are on greater maturity. No, I won’t be looking up statistics…I have merely an observation: A great many first marriage failures are the result of some basic human nature, and there’s no reason to think “we should fix it,” which is the knee-jerk reaction to almost everything. This is just the way it is.

Young women mature faster, emotionally and sexually. We’ve all heard that, and it appears to be true. They’re in charge from an early age, and they know what they’re doing, and they’re good at it. They manage to keep teenage boys in line, for the most part. Tough job. But being in some control, being in a position to get what they want, by their late-teens they begin to shape their lives according to their own agenda. For the great many who want to start a family, or are just ready to have a baby, they can do that. They feel ready, it’s what they want to do, they choose the guy they want…and they can do that.

What about the guys at that age? For purposes of this discussion, let’s separate guys into two personality types. #1, the popular guy, has a car, maybe a fast car, probably on the high school football team, part of the social group at the center of local partying, openly chasing girls and not thinking about much else. Just wants to nail as many as possible. That guy.

As opposed to #2, a more serious type, mostly in the social background, maybe has one girlfriend in high school, worries about his future, tentative around girls because he’s not sure what it all means and he wants to know before he gets sexually involved, because he doesn’t want to be just another guy who takes advantage of and hurts girls.

Which one does the young woman want at this point in her life? The first one: the bad boy, the dangerous one, the one who so clearly wants her and makes her feel desirable. The one who, unbeknownst to her, thinks of her and treats her like an object, a conquest. She doesn’t know that much about guys yet, so he looks like the real thing. He might marry her, especially if there’s a baby involved, but he’ll think nothing of moving on in a few years.

Meanwhile, boy #2 has matured and come to terms with women and sexuality, thinks of them as precious and beautiful, treats them with respect, and makes the new divorcee feel desirable again. He offers a stable life and love, and he becomes the second husband. Second marriages have realistic expectations, and in my experience they last longer. Two people of similar maturity and understanding have the best chance to make a lasting commitment to each other.

About marriage

Here’s a pithy saying that I love…

No matter how good-looking she is, somebody is sick and tired of putting up with her bullshit.

Which means you’d better not base your relationship on looks, because no matter where you start it’s all about compatibility in the end. In spite of what many people seem to believe, marriage isn’t some kind of contest to see who marries the best-looking mate. It’s about who’s smart enough to marry their best friend; a best friend that they’ve allowed themselves to fall in love with. And then you go from there, because being in love gets deeper after you’re married, if you’re any good at it.

And that involves mostly trust. If you both believe your vows, if you mean it, then you feel safe enough to share of yourself on a day-to-day basis. To be open and unhesitating in what you think and say. When two people do that, and learn each other and get comfortable, that’s how a thousand tiny connections are made between the two of you over the years. That’s the unspoken thing you see sometimes in a close couple, the quick glance or the sly smile between them.

I know there are all kinds of successful relationships, or I suppose there are, but one thing I believe in is doing everything together, or reasonably so. Obviously, why wouldn’t I want to spend all my time with my best friend? I have since childhood, whoever it was at the time…seems like a good habit. This seems to be a touchy subject with some, who feel that there are rules about this among principled people. That ‘normal’ independent people would need to have their own life. Go ahead, follow somebody’s rules, live up to the expectations. I’ll just do what I like.

One thing you cannot do is lie to each other, because that’s breaking trust on a grand scale. If that happens, it’s not a marriage anymore; it’s just a stupid game. You’ll never say anything without double-checking it in your mind first. You force yourself to be vague and evasive. When you start to worry about spending time together, about what might come up in conversation, you certainly aren’t sharing your lives anymore. It’s a cancer that spreads fast, and touches everything in the relationship. How could you ever relax with pending lies circling overhead?

Mark Twain covered that, and he gets the last word:

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.